Coming into this project and even while working through the early stages I have been aware / am becoming more aware of the various aspects of the way I behave that prevent me from getting stuff done. I hate saying that these particular behaviours are part of who I am, Id rather stay in the head space that they are in me but not of me, kind of thing. That my true sense of character is who I want to be and the parts that I am trying to change are unwelcome guests. I find the thought of standing up and saying "I'm not going down that path again because that’s not who I am" rather empowering. But yeah I'm a talk for a bit about some of the things I’m working on evicting through this project

I found that a lot these behaviours pretty much boil down to self discipline.

I’m pretty much straight up lazy, and I understand that the sphere i operate in the inverse of this problem is often, and justifiably so, much more talked about. A lot of my peers are often overworked and the need to find that work life balance more often than not investing more into the "life" side. I still hold to the notion that working for the sake of work is absurd and this often means exploiting your self for the profit of others (which is different than helping others). But there are things that I want to see made, things that will take effort and , yeah, things that will take a lot of work. And I have been afforded and very gracious amount of time every week to focus on these things. But I sleep a lot, I watch you-tube a lot, I procrastinate, take "breaks" that last far into the night etc. I actually started keeping track every week how many hours of "work" I actually do, and yeah towards the start I would rarely get 5hrs a week in. But things are getting better, routines are forming, I'm locking my self in to my productive parts of the day and now am sitting at about 15hrs so obviously a bit more to go, but other factors come into those numbers staying low.

My health, so I get tired a lot, I eat like shit and used to hardly exercise. all three used to be a problem but I have progressed :) I taken up skateboarding (a lot) and hit the gym semi-regularly, which during the times I do I noticeably fell more energized, I'm grateful I can point my tiredness down to genetics (both sides of my family and hard-core nappers) and physical health. so maintaining the gym schedule and the foods are where my next focused will be.

one form of exercise that isn't helping are the mental gymnastics I perform to get out of doing work. Software updating? There is no way I can’t do anything productive so might as well order food and take a nap. ah this feature took a lot quicker to implement than I thought, don’t want to get too ahead of schedule lets take the rest of the day off. Early on in this project I understood that I needed an activity that got me away from the screen so I could take healthy breaks. So I built a skate ramp. It took three days, But i should've been working...but you know its for the benefit of the project so its fiiine. And the thing is In those three days I was way more productive building that ramp than I was ever on any project I made.


Oh wow it really looks like I’m at no loss for words when I talk about whats holding me back. But here’s the thing, this week I will be better, if I still blow off a day eating food and binging flat earth conspiracy videos, fine, the day after will be better.

what am i doing


I want to make a game, also I want to make games. I spend a lot of my time here, mostly watching videos about skateboarding, the ocean or cooking food. But when I'm "Productive" I like to make stuff, music, drawings but mostly games. The games I make more often than not don't get shown to other people, and more often than not don't get made into "games" and that's fine. But lately I want to change that, I'm not sure why but i'm going to try and make that big project, the game that I dreamed of making when I wanted to become a game developer, but with the sensibilities that I learnt working as a solo dev. Do I have a message I want the world to hear? Sure. Do people need to hear it? I don't know. Can I articulate it through this project? Hopefully. But to be honest I prefer to speak with my life, how I operate. I can make bold sweeping statements about God, truth, relationships and all that, but where I'm at, in an extremely privileged position, such statements are easy to make from the comfort of my life. So maybe the point of working at this isn't to speak a message, but rather to improve my self, become a better developer, but also throw themes in my game that will encourage me to use my position to build up others, let this game talk about empowerment and community. Or maybe this game will just be a fun little adventure where you can hit monsters with sticks. I just don't know, a lot of stuff is developing as systems come together and I discover my "language" in this medium. But yeah the idea behind this journal is to maybe document that development, as ideas are formed, discussed, discarded and implemented as well as a reflection on the inputs from other aspects of my life into this project.