what am i doing

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I want to make a game, also I want to make games. I spend a lot of my time here, mostly watching videos about skateboarding, the ocean or cooking food. But when I'm "Productive" I like to make stuff, music, drawings but mostly games. The games I make more often than not don't get shown to other people, and more often than not don't get made into "games" and that's fine. But lately I want to change that, I'm not sure why but i'm going to try and make that big project, the game that I dreamed of making when I wanted to become a game developer, but with the sensibilities that I learnt working as a solo dev. Do I have a message I want the world to hear? Sure. Do people need to hear it? I don't know. Can I articulate it through this project? Hopefully. But to be honest I prefer to speak with my life, how I operate. I can make bold sweeping statements about God, truth, relationships and all that, but where I'm at, in an extremely privileged position, such statements are easy to make from the comfort of my life. So maybe the point of working at this isn't to speak a message, but rather to improve my self, become a better developer, but also throw themes in my game that will encourage me to use my position to build up others, let this game talk about empowerment and community. Or maybe this game will just be a fun little adventure where you can hit monsters with sticks. I just don't know, a lot of stuff is developing as systems come together and I discover my "language" in this medium. But yeah the idea behind this journal is to maybe document that development, as ideas are formed, discussed, discarded and implemented as well as a reflection on the inputs from other aspects of my life into this project.